The Comparison Trap: How it played a big part in my Social Anxiety
Social Anxiety affects many people mildly, moderately or seriously, estimating just below 40% of the population. There are many reasons why Social Anxiety develops and one for this day and age can be Social Media. Another reason can be due to past interactions and emotions closely associated to that memory which are negative.
For many seasons of my life I constantly compared myself to others. I thought I’d never be as good at certain things as others. I believed I wasn’t as smart or athletic. These negative thoughts came daily, and they affected me badly. So much so that I was plagued with Social Anxiety in every interaction I had. Comparison played a big part in my Social Anxiety, and I lived that way for a long time.
Envy, born from comparison, harms both our emotional and physical well-being. ‘A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.’ Envy leads to Negative Thoughts like sadness and anger. Desiring what others have leads to discontentment. Cultivating a heart at peace with itself promotes overall health and contentment.
Envy can also bring about a need for others approval especially those we view as better than ourselves.
Negative thoughts: How they attribute to Social Anxiety
Ever walk into a room and feel so overwhelmed? I remember before entering social situations, I would be panicking. Frequently, there were thoughts churning in my mind, ‘What if they don’t like me? What if they think I’m dumb?’
When Anxiety strikes we often cower into ourselves and choose to listen to the negative thoughts rather than challenge them. Questions that arise like those above often connect to a trauma response. In the past, we have experienced something where something bad happened and we don’t want to be targeted again.
I have heard it said that in life there are the bullies and the bullied, I don’t believe this definition. Even the bullies will have experienced pain for them to react in the way they did. But you don’t have to be either one of those things. You can be your own person that isn’t defined by what happened, that is not a victim, but a victor!
Approval: Sensitivity and Social Anxiety
Approval from others has roots from the categories listed above, and a fear of being rejected. It is an activated response in our minds from experiences generally in childhood. Through comparison, envy and the after effect of negative thoughts we develop low self-esteem and seek validation from others. Outside sources give us the approval we crave. In seeking this approval we set limitations on ourselves and expectations from being a person who is approved by others.
Speaking from experience, I know plenty of people share the same testimony. They worry about doing something because of what their friends might say or think. At a young age, this concern is particularly strong. We value friendship, and the opinions of others have a significant impact on us. It is so important that when we are building ourselves up, we aren’t tearing anyone down on the way. Unfortunately, this does happen a lot.
Challenging your negative thoughts:
In life, sometimes to keep our integrity, we will have to stand alone. We must be strong in our beliefs, especially if they are important to us and who we are.
Challenge the negative thoughts and questions with your own to ‘what do I think? what do I believe? What do I value?’ The lesson in this is being honest and true to yourself above all else.
Being honest:
Eventually, I learned a truth that changed everything. ‘My life is not determined by other people.’
I had gone through life afraid of what others think of me. This fear of being judged kept flashing in my mind whenever I was around my peers. I had a desperate need for people to like me and to please them. Before I knew it my life was being shaped by the words of a bully.
Through comparing myself to those who seemingly were better than me at things I became a shell of myself. I developed Social Anxiety and sometimes had panic attacks when around people who I thought were judging me.
My parents helped me to see that not everyone is like that. Those that choose to bully don’t have everything because they are lacking in something themselves to verbally abuse another person. And I thought to myself, that isn’t something to envy, it’s something to pity. Finally, I had to be honest with myself and stop comparing my life to that of other people.
Where it all began:
My social anxiety began at a young age when I was in my first year of high school. Within this environment there were clicks, peer pressure to fit in and expectations. I wasn’t as smart or athletic as other kids in certain subjects. Soon they used this as ammunition against me. At times I felt like the odd one out. As a result, I developed a need for approval and for people to like me. I feared what they would be thinking about me or saying behind my back. Due to this I developed paranoia, even within my friendship groups. This is where my need for others approval began.
The image below from the Very Well site shows some of the different causes of Social Anxiety. Another, is one I listed earlier which can be linked to limited socialization.
Don’t let the world dictate how you live your life.
Changing your perspective:
You can take down those giants in your life. Just like in the story of David and Goliath. All it takes is faith, trust and belief. David wasn’t as mighty as Goliath in appearance nor did he have a reputation like Goliath. But he stood up to that giant. Which is something we have to do in our lives. If you read the story, you will see that David ran toward him carrying a stone. His faith in God was stronger than what his eyes saw. He was looking ahead with eyes of faith. It matters in how we look at things, and what mindset we choose. Not looking to appearances but strength of the heart and your character.
The pressure:
Comparison can make you put pressure on yourself. This is especially true for important desires of your heart like your career, marriage, and children. Buying a house is of course another significant desire. All these things take time. I am guilty of putting pressure on myself to achieve these goals within a certain time limit.
I learnt that I had to be at a point in my life where I was ready. This started by being honest with myself. Even though I desire these things, I know I’m in a growing season. And I’m getting to know who I am. Learning how to cope with Social Anxiety and stop negative thoughts takes time and effort.
Transform or Metamorphize: Social Anxiety didn’t define me
Social anxiety affected me for so long because I allowed it to through fear. I came to a point where I had suicidal thoughts. Assuming the worst through negative thinking in how my life would end up. My family were the ones to help me out of that dark cloud I’d subjected myself to. To move forward I knew I had to change. It began with the transforming and renewing of my mind.
I wasn’t going to be defined by this one thing. If anything, My Struggle was the Key to becoming my best self. I gained strength and endurance from it. This helped me to overcome and fight back against the negative voices.
My goals:
To achieve this I had to learn to be patient with myself. Life isn’t a race. I don’t have to rush to get there. Plus, rushing would make me miss lessons along the way that are necessary for my growth. If I fully committed to working on myself I would regain the confidence which I lost before Social Anxiety. Truly, one of the most valuable lessons I learned was learning to love myself.
Working on every aspect of self: self-love, self-belief, self-esteem and self-worth.
I had to learn to focus on myself and my goals. I should not focus on others and their achievements. Their achievements came at a certain point for them. Our lives are unique and special. We can learn from others, but placing them on a pedestal by assuming they’re better than you is not right. People have different gifts and ways of using them. There is only one you in this world. You have something no one else does.
Honestly, getting to know myself and growing to love myself and my own uniqueness helped me so much. This was a great method in battling comparison. Embracing ourselves helps us to live joyfully and effectively.
Follow the link to my following page: Self-Improvement: How to Fight Depression and Stop Suicidal Thoughts
All of the books that I found helpful to me through Social Anxiety you will find here –Helpful Mental Health Books, Guides and Courses For You
Some of the books I found most helpful were, ‘don’t believe everything you think,’ ‘my anxiety journal,’ and ‘101 ways to be less stressed.’ I will drop the links below in order for you to look. There are plenty of other helpful books and guides for you to select what you think would best help you.
Another book to look at is the amazing Dr Gillians book Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness: A Self-Help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioural Techniques